Divorce!

Shockingly my 78 year old husband, after 17 years together, has announced he wants us to lead separate lives.  I have decided that I will move out and divorce him because I do not want to spend whatever life I have left in a loveless marriage.

I am profoundly sad.  I also know that I still have the strength to survive as I am only 63 years old.  Between tears I have focused on doing all the practical things required:  finding somewhere else to live, packing up, finding suppliers for the new lifestyle, finding movers to take what furniture I still own.  I will be taking the rescued dog with me as I paid for him and he is registered in my name.  The 7 rescued cats are a bit more difficult!  He wants 2 of them, but I have decided to take them with me because I am the one who does the food and care-taking on a daily basis.

When my husband made his announcement he also said he did not want a divorce because of the money it would cost him.  I do not want more than I am legally entitled to and my lawyer does say we are considered a long-term marriage.  Thus a financial settlement is ahead.  My husband is in for a surprise.

I was a divorce mediator for over 5 years and have gone and photocopied as many of the financial and legal documents that I could find in his desk.  I am including this information here because it will really help to know what his assets are and what the account numbers are etc.  People are expected to make a declaration of assets, yet I have seen people (particularly wealthy men) try to hide what monies are around.  My advice to anyone in a similar position is that old saying ‘possession is 9/10ths of the law’.

I have started re-reading “The WHICH? Guide to Divorce” by Imogen Clout.  It is a very practical guide to the legal and financial arrangements and includes some further information about issues affecting children.  I would recommend not only reading this guide, but if you do have children, please take a look at my e-book “Parenting Your Way Through Divorce”.  You do need to put the needs of the children first.

Grief is shock, sadness, anger, and acceptance and it is not a linear progression.  You go in and out of the various stages.  Luckily as a Psychotherapist for over 20 years I do understand how to grieve well.  If you need more information do take a look at my e-book “Loss is Part of Life”.

I can see a new life opening up and will do my best to embrace whatever is ahead.

 

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Japan Today Article

Twitter has allowed me to ‘meet’ people all around the world including the Editor of Japan Today an English language newspaper in Japan.  What a stroke of luck!  He kindly allowed me to send him a press release and then printed it!  I feel very honoured and absolutely thrilled to know that people in Japan know about me and my self help ebooks.  How marvelous the internet is for all of us!  It’s life changing for me!

Here is what was printed in Japan Today:-

“New Help for those with nowhere else to turn…

Tokyo – Domestic violence, rape, bullying, depression and alcoholism are more common in relationships than we care to think.  They are all issues most women don’t ever dare speak about, even to their mothers or closest friends.  But the wall of silence often surrounding them means many people have nowhere to turn for help they desperately need. 

Psychotherapist and Author, Susan Jane Smith, recognizes this is a problem potentially facing Japanese society, among others.  Her self-help book, “Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth” offers practical, sensitive guidance on dealing with these taboo subjects and many forms of emotional pain. 

( It is now available in Japan for the first time via http://Amazon.jp./gp/product/B005FFTNEY)

Subtitled “The View from the Therapist’s Office”, the book also includes chapters on love, parenting through divorce, stress and bereavement.  Smith has over 20 years’ experience as a psychotherapist in the UK and the USA.  She has counselled thousands of women – and men – in ways of coping with all manner of emotional challenges, both within and outside marriage and relationships.

“Nothing shocks me,” she says.  “But I know how difficult it can be for people to speak openly about things like domestic violence or abuse, particularly in non-Western cultures.  My book is designed to help them confront and manage all sorts of types of emotional pain.  This pain needs healing before a person can have the emotional wealth required for a happier life, hence the title of my book.”

“If you feel you can’t speak to anyone about your emotional problems or you just want to better understand how to deal with them, then “Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth” will give you support and guidance.”

Smith’s other self-help book “Pre-Marital MOT: A Relationship Inspection” is also now available in Japan.  It is designed to enable betrothed couples to assess their relationship before the wedding and to highlight and hopefully address potential emotional problems.  As Smith states: “Marriage is so much more than just the ceremony.”

Pre-Marital MOT: A Relationship Inspection” can be downloaded from Amazon on http://amazon.jp/gp/product/B005LSD62A

 Personally, I am very grateful that Japan Today published this information so if you know anyone in Japan please share it with them. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Creating Healthy Emotions!

Did you know that this website (www.EmotionalHealthForEmotionalWealth.co.uk) has a sister site in the making?  We recently delivered our draft to the designer for www.HealthyEmotions.co.uk and it will launch within the next few weeks.  My business partner (Elaine Barnes) and I are very excited about this project.  We are intending to bring audio material to people with dyslexia and those people who have similar difficulties with reading.  The focus will be on emotional issues because that is where our expertise lies – we are both experienced Counsellors..

Thus, I have been reading the e-book Like A Virgin by Richard Branson to see if I can learn to think like an entrepreneur!  I admire not only his business expertise, but the fact that he thinks “outside the box”.  The more research I have done into dyslexia the more it appears that thinking differently to other people may well be a hallmark of someone using dyslexia to develop creative solutions.  Just because a person did not fit into the conventional educational system does in no way mean that they are stupid.  Being a square peg in the round hole of academia may be uncomfortable and alternative learning found.

Since Sir Richard Branson (founder of the Virgin Group of businesses) is one of the most successful entrepreneurs in the world, what he has to say about business struck me as appropriate learning for me.  My bachelor’s degree is in business management, but from 1985, so well out of date!  Tips that I have learnt from reading Like A Virgin:- take calculated risks, be willing to change your mind or direction if something isn’t working, focus on the future – don’t dwell on mistakes, bring talented people together, communication is key – listen to customers and staff.  Above all have fun!

There is a lot of other knowledge in Like A Virgin so I would thoroughly recommend you purchase a copy for yourself if you are in business.

Watch my blogs at www.Goodreads.com for more of my thoughts about what Healthy Emotions Ltd. can learn from Virgin!

Please contact us at Healthy Emotions if you are dyslexic or have a loved one who is dyslexic.  We would like to hear from you about your experiences.

Email:  Susan@HealthyEmotions.co.uk or Elaine@HealthyEmotions.co.uk

 

 

 

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The Trouble with Porn – India, Rape & the Police.

Pornography allows men to think of a woman’s body as just an object.  If they look at porn enough it is easy to forget that the person in front of them during sex is a human being with feelings.  The rape levels in India are not helped by the level of pornography and pornographic ‘jokes’ which obviously are not funny.

When there is a patriarchal culture there is an erroneous belief that men are superior and thus women inferior.  This further enhances an inadequate man’s belief that he can behave however he wishes, especially sexually…sexual harassment, domestic violence, rape.

Attitudes need to change for India to be accepted into the international community of our modern high tech world.  People know very quickly about behaviour in all countries now that the internet connects us.

The USA did a wonderful job (decades ago) of educating it’s police force by using rape crisis groups to teach them about what is acceptable and what is not.  Now it is time for India and other countries to force their police to think through their behaviour and take complaints seriously.  Laws alone won’t do the necessary – if the police ignore complaints people won’t complain.  That is what I understand is happening in India.  Where else?

What is your police force’s rape protocol?  Do you know?  Maybe it is time you asked!

Please see what I have to say about rapists and marital rape in particular in my Amazon Self Help E-book:-

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Rape Not Sexual Assault

Have you ever wonded about the kind of person who rapes?  See my latest e-book Rape Not Sexual Assault now for sale on www.EmotionalHealthForEmotionalWealth.co.uk £1 and on Amazon $1.99

I spent years listening to the horrific experiences of women (yes, a sterotype but the most frequent) who had been raped.  I prefer the term rape, personally, as it is the more terrifying and I think that sexual assault makes it all sound just a little bit to clean and tidy.  Yes, I do understand that there are sexual assaults that are abuse, but do not include full penetrative intercourse.  All of it is worth the public’s understanding and empathy.

Empathy for the rapist – yes, because he is a human being who is not adequate and in my book Rape Not Sexual Assault and in Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth I talk about some of the psychological profiles connected to rapists…not pleasant reading.  Still, I would have them put to sleep by lethal injections because as far as I know there really is no cure and once released from prison (the few who actually get there) they are most likely to rape again.  It is about meeting their own needs and that is what they want to do most.  There is no concern for the victim.

Yes, men get raped too and not just gay men.  Old women get raped.  It is not just the young female with a short skirt out late at night.  This is a crime of violence and about the need for power, control and domination with a desire for humiliation thrown in for good measure.

I believe society needs to talk more about this subject so I hope you will educate yourself by reading my book.  If you have survived a rape or a sexual assault I hope that you will find some useful information in there too.

 

 

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GRATITUDE

Rhonda Byrne (author of The Secret) also wrote The Power (about love) and The Magic which is about gratitude.  Yes, I know lots of people have slated Rhonda for The Secret and trying to get people to understand the law of attraction.  Still, I think that what she has written is correct and needed saying.  It is no different really than cognitive therapy which fundamentally is that: what you think (cognition) is what you get in your life.

I have long been aware that the richest of people have nothing if they cannot experience gratitude for what they have – whether it’s money, property, love or family.

A friend recently lent me a book by Oonagh Shanley-Toffolo entitled The Voice of Silence (ISBN 0-7126-1445-1).  In this book Oonagh recounts a situation dealt with by Mother Theresa in Calcutta, India.

Mother Theresa used to go out and collect the poor dying in the streets.  One day she came across a woman still alive, but with maggots already beginning to eat her flesh.  Mother Theresa took the woman into her hospice, cleaned her up and dressed her in a clean, white sari…the woman’s last words are quoted as:-  “I was praying to God I wouldn’t die in the gutter”.  Moments later she died.  She had gratitude.

Sitting in my nice, clean home with food in my stomach I feel very humble when I think of Mother Theresa and in particular that woman.  I have so much to be grateful for in my life.  Yet, sometimes I do forget.  I fume over small things that truly do not matter.  Then something reminds me and I get back to being grateful for all that I am and all that I have in life.  I am very blessed.  I have seen hard times and have overcome them.  I believe that there just has to be God (or The Universe) taking care of me.

The Desiderata hangs above my desk and provides support in times of need.  This poem quoted by Oonagh, whose author is unknown, also gives me strength.

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape…but a woman of strength builds relationships to keep her soul in shape.

A strong woman isn’t afraid of anything…but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of fear.

A strong woman won’t let anyone get the better of her…but the woman of strenght gives the best of herself to everyone.

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future…a woman of strength reliases life’s mistakes can also be unexpected blessings, and capitalises on them.

A strong woman wears a look of confidence on her face…but a woman of strength wears grace.

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey…but the woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey she will become strong.”

I am so very grateful for my journey.  What is it that you are grateful about?

 

 

 

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