Shockingly my 78 year old husband, after 17 years together, has announced he wants us to lead separate lives.  I have decided that I will move out and divorce him because I do not want to spend whatever life I have left in a loveless marriage.

I am profoundly sad.  I also know that I still have the strength to survive as I am only 63 years old.  Between tears I have focused on doing all the practical things required:  finding somewhere else to live, packing up, finding suppliers for the new lifestyle, finding movers to take what furniture I still own.  I will be taking the rescued dog with me as I paid for him and he is registered in my name.  The 7 rescued cats are a bit more difficult!  He wants 2 of them, but I have decided to take them with me because I am the one who does the food and care-taking on a daily basis.

When my husband made his announcement he also said he did not want a divorce because of the money it would cost him.  I do not want more than I am legally entitled to and my lawyer does say we are considered a long-term marriage.  Thus a financial settlement is ahead.  My husband is in for a surprise.

I was a divorce mediator for over 5 years and have gone and photocopied as many of the financial and legal documents that I could find in his desk.  I am including this information here because it will really help to know what his assets are and what the account numbers are etc.  People are expected to make a declaration of assets, yet I have seen people (particularly wealthy men) try to hide what monies are around.  My advice to anyone in a similar position is that old saying ‘possession is 9/10ths of the law’.

I have started re-reading “The WHICH? Guide to Divorce” by Imogen Clout.  It is a very practical guide to the legal and financial arrangements and includes some further information about issues affecting children.  I would recommend not only reading this guide, but if you do have children, please take a look at my e-book “Parenting Your Way Through Divorce”.  You do need to put the needs of the children first.

Grief is shock, sadness, anger, and acceptance and it is not a linear progression.  You go in and out of the various stages.  Luckily as a Psychotherapist for over 20 years I do understand how to grieve well.  If you need more information do take a look at my e-book “Loss is Part of Life”.

I can see a new life opening up and will do my best to embrace whatever is ahead.


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The Trouble with Porn – India, Rape & the Police.

Pornography allows men to think of a woman’s body as just an object.  If they look at porn enough it is easy to forget that the person in front of them during sex is a human being with feelings.  The rape levels in India are not helped by the level of pornography and pornographic ‘jokes’ which obviously are not funny.

When there is a patriarchal culture there is an erroneous belief that men are superior and thus women inferior.  This further enhances an inadequate man’s belief that he can behave however he wishes, especially sexually…sexual harassment, domestic violence, rape.

Attitudes need to change for India to be accepted into the international community of our modern high tech world.  People know very quickly about behaviour in all countries now that the internet connects us.

The USA did a wonderful job (decades ago) of educating it’s police force by using rape crisis groups to teach them about what is acceptable and what is not.  Now it is time for India and other countries to force their police to think through their behaviour and take complaints seriously.  Laws alone won’t do the necessary – if the police ignore complaints people won’t complain.  That is what I understand is happening in India.  Where else?

What is your police force’s rape protocol?  Do you know?  Maybe it is time you asked!

Please see what I have to say about rapists and marital rape in particular in my Amazon Self Help E-book:-

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Women Be Warned – Charming Men Can Have a Dark Side

A man who makes a woman feel great about herself is very seductive.  It feels wonderful to be that woman.  The trouble is that somewhere down the road you will realise that your self esteem was poor in the first place since you needed that man to make you feel good about yourself.  Then if he takes that away you can plummet to the depths of despair if you are not careful.  Ever been in this situation?  I certainly have, repeatedly, until I figured it out!

When a woman’s self esteem is good she has a solid sense of who she is and what she wants from life.  She no longer has to accept what other people give her.  That is the best place to be and if you are not there do go to counselling until you get to that good place please.

The connection for me between a charming man and a chauvinist is control issues.  What a charming man does is use that charm to get all that he wants and when he does not get his own way you may find that he quickly becomes Mr. Nasty and spite-full.  That is because his self esteem is poor and underneath the facade he feels inadequate and probably is emotionally inadequate.

A chauvinist is also into control because he believes men are superior and thus should be in control.  Obviously, since I believe women are equal and different I cannot agree that we should be in a one-down position.

Want to know more about what I think about living with a controlling man or in a domestic violence situation?  Read my latest Kindle e-book “Charming Men and Chavuinists” £1 from Amazon or go to the store page of this website: 


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An Example of Racism?

Actually I think this is not an example of people being racist.  This case to me seems more about men believing they still have the right to “own” a female and the right to do whatever they wish to do with a female.

Stay with me on this…I really am not male bashing.  It is just unacceptable behaviour in England today and I would say it needs to be illegal everywhere in the world now for the sake of the youngsters who will be taking care of us in our old age.  Their attitudes will affect all our lives when we are old and vulnerable.  I don’t want to live in a world that thinks sexual abuse is ok when I am too old to take care of myself – do you?

What I am going back to was reported in the British media on the 8th May 2012.  It is where 8 British-born Pakistani men and an Afgan man were convicted of sexual abuse.

It was said by a reporter at that time that this particular kind of gang abuse was rare, but that still within some cultures living in the U.K. it was acceptable for men to groom a vulnerable girl, have sex (meaning rape) and then pass her along to other men.  What I found even more horrific was that those other men would all consider this a wonderful favour and that because they shared a female they would be closer friends.  Where, oh, where does that thinking come from and how could it still be acceptable to any human being in 2012?

That is why I don’t think this is about race in particular (although I have to admit that the girls were not from the same culture as the men).  I think this is chauvinism and a rampant need for power and control on the part of the men.  In my opinion, it says to me that the men feel inadequate as human beings.  Not an angle I see talked about often – do you?

There are kind and caring, decent men from all cultures who would not want this done to their daughters and who would not rape other men’s daughters.  If you feel good about yourself as a person you do not need to take power over another human being.  Ultimately that is what rape is about power, control, domination with a penis just being the weapon used.  And, in my opinion, it was rape even if grooming took place first and there was a lack of resistence because of it.

Do you know any one who still believes that it is acceptable thinking that a female body is just an object to be used as a male decides?  If so, they need psychological help now!

All men, women, children (and animals) deserve to be treated with respect.


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