Shockingly my 78 year old husband, after 17 years together, has announced he wants us to lead separate lives.  I have decided that I will move out and divorce him because I do not want to spend whatever life I have left in a loveless marriage.

I am profoundly sad.  I also know that I still have the strength to survive as I am only 63 years old.  Between tears I have focused on doing all the practical things required:  finding somewhere else to live, packing up, finding suppliers for the new lifestyle, finding movers to take what furniture I still own.  I will be taking the rescued dog with me as I paid for him and he is registered in my name.  The 7 rescued cats are a bit more difficult!  He wants 2 of them, but I have decided to take them with me because I am the one who does the food and care-taking on a daily basis.

When my husband made his announcement he also said he did not want a divorce because of the money it would cost him.  I do not want more than I am legally entitled to and my lawyer does say we are considered a long-term marriage.  Thus a financial settlement is ahead.  My husband is in for a surprise.

I was a divorce mediator for over 5 years and have gone and photocopied as many of the financial and legal documents that I could find in his desk.  I am including this information here because it will really help to know what his assets are and what the account numbers are etc.  People are expected to make a declaration of assets, yet I have seen people (particularly wealthy men) try to hide what monies are around.  My advice to anyone in a similar position is that old saying ‘possession is 9/10ths of the law’.

I have started re-reading “The WHICH? Guide to Divorce” by Imogen Clout.  It is a very practical guide to the legal and financial arrangements and includes some further information about issues affecting children.  I would recommend not only reading this guide, but if you do have children, please take a look at my e-book “Parenting Your Way Through Divorce”.  You do need to put the needs of the children first.

Grief is shock, sadness, anger, and acceptance and it is not a linear progression.  You go in and out of the various stages.  Luckily as a Psychotherapist for over 20 years I do understand how to grieve well.  If you need more information do take a look at my e-book “Loss is Part of Life”.

I can see a new life opening up and will do my best to embrace whatever is ahead.


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The Trouble with Porn – India, Rape & the Police.

Pornography allows men to think of a woman’s body as just an object.  If they look at porn enough it is easy to forget that the person in front of them during sex is a human being with feelings.  The rape levels in India are not helped by the level of pornography and pornographic ‘jokes’ which obviously are not funny.

When there is a patriarchal culture there is an erroneous belief that men are superior and thus women inferior.  This further enhances an inadequate man’s belief that he can behave however he wishes, especially sexually…sexual harassment, domestic violence, rape.

Attitudes need to change for India to be accepted into the international community of our modern high tech world.  People know very quickly about behaviour in all countries now that the internet connects us.

The USA did a wonderful job (decades ago) of educating it’s police force by using rape crisis groups to teach them about what is acceptable and what is not.  Now it is time for India and other countries to force their police to think through their behaviour and take complaints seriously.  Laws alone won’t do the necessary – if the police ignore complaints people won’t complain.  That is what I understand is happening in India.  Where else?

What is your police force’s rape protocol?  Do you know?  Maybe it is time you asked!

Please see what I have to say about rapists and marital rape in particular in my Amazon Self Help E-book:-

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Coronation Street Domestic Violence

English TV has a soap opera called “Coronation Street”.  It’s one that I have watched for years and was initially pleased that they started displaying a domestic violence scenario.  I initially thought the writers were being clever showing domestic violence from a woman to a man as a way of bringing the information home to people more effectively.

It wasn’t until last night that I realised that they were intending to demonstrate female to male domestic abuse.  Whilst this does occur it is a small percentage of domestic violence cases.  Frequently the abuse a man can inflict is also greater than a woman can do as harm to a man.

Year’s ago I ran a rape and domestic violence crisis centre and yes, men do get raped and they do get abused by women.  In my opinion and experience that is not the majority of cases and thus I am concerned that the Coronation Street show is creating an inappropriate illusion in the minds of the viewing public.  What do you think?

See my self-help e-book to see more about what I think!


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An Example of Racism?

Actually I think this is not an example of people being racist.  This case to me seems more about men believing they still have the right to “own” a female and the right to do whatever they wish to do with a female.

Stay with me on this…I really am not male bashing.  It is just unacceptable behaviour in England today and I would say it needs to be illegal everywhere in the world now for the sake of the youngsters who will be taking care of us in our old age.  Their attitudes will affect all our lives when we are old and vulnerable.  I don’t want to live in a world that thinks sexual abuse is ok when I am too old to take care of myself – do you?

What I am going back to was reported in the British media on the 8th May 2012.  It is where 8 British-born Pakistani men and an Afgan man were convicted of sexual abuse.

It was said by a reporter at that time that this particular kind of gang abuse was rare, but that still within some cultures living in the U.K. it was acceptable for men to groom a vulnerable girl, have sex (meaning rape) and then pass her along to other men.  What I found even more horrific was that those other men would all consider this a wonderful favour and that because they shared a female they would be closer friends.  Where, oh, where does that thinking come from and how could it still be acceptable to any human being in 2012?

That is why I don’t think this is about race in particular (although I have to admit that the girls were not from the same culture as the men).  I think this is chauvinism and a rampant need for power and control on the part of the men.  In my opinion, it says to me that the men feel inadequate as human beings.  Not an angle I see talked about often – do you?

There are kind and caring, decent men from all cultures who would not want this done to their daughters and who would not rape other men’s daughters.  If you feel good about yourself as a person you do not need to take power over another human being.  Ultimately that is what rape is about power, control, domination with a penis just being the weapon used.  And, in my opinion, it was rape even if grooming took place first and there was a lack of resistence because of it.

Do you know any one who still believes that it is acceptable thinking that a female body is just an object to be used as a male decides?  If so, they need psychological help now!

All men, women, children (and animals) deserve to be treated with respect.


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