A Very Modern Divorce Via Facebook & Email!

 

“How Not To Be A Doormat” is the title of one of my 20 self help e-books so I have had to take my own advice!

My previous blog about my divorce was written when I was feeling very sad and grieving for the 17 years spent with my husband.  Now I am feeling much more assertive.

I have finally gotten my head around that fact that he has vascular dementia due to strokes and that the man I married has already gone.  He looks like my husband but his mind is not totally how it was as each mini stroke has killed off more of his brain cells.  Nevertheless I must get through a divorce and move on to create a new life for myself.

The funny thing is that last week, after writing my blog, I tweeted about it and posted it to Google Plus and Stumbleupon etc and also clicked the Facebook link.  Oops!  I almost notified my husband and his friends and family that the divorce papers were on the way!  You may not think it funny – I am still chuckling at how easy it is to simply push a social media button and information escapes without time for thought!  A friend helped me find how to ‘hide’ it then.  I may well announce it on Facebook this week – intentionally.

Since it appears to make a more peaceful co-existence, my husband and I are not really talking to each other.  Thus, this morning I decided to start negotiating our financial settlement via email.  A very modern tool.  I quite liked the experience as it gave me time to write and amend as much as I wanted so I said exactly what I wanted to say in the most assertive language I could muster.  I also sent a copy to my solicitor and girlfriends so that they can see my self esteem has improved.

My initial reaction to the concept of a divorce was to want to run away to somewhere safe so that I could heal my wounds.  I packed up all my belongings and moved some of them into storage.  I checked out the private rental market and the reality is that with 7 rescued cats and a rescue dog it is virtually impossible to get a landlord to rent to me.  My registration for social housing – I qualify for an old person’s bungalow – may take a very long time to get to being offered to me so I hunkered down in my bedroom.

Today the worm has turned.  I have done nothing wrong and I am not being dumped after 17 years to be pushed aside with nothing but my clothes and a few bits of furniture.  I read in my Which Guide to Divorce that it might be possible for the court to order that I be allowed to stay in my home – the matrimonial house – and that my husband moves out.  I so hope this can happen!  Why should I skulk away with virtually nothing?  I have had my matrimonial rights registered against the property with the Land Registry so that my husband cannot sell nor do equity release without my consent. 

Why am I sharing all this with you?  I thought it might be useful to someone else in a divorce situation and so that my readers can see that I truly believe in every word I have written.  Do take a look at my Amazon Author Bio and the About Me page on my website http://EmotionalHealthForEmotionalWealth.co.uk

Take care of yourself and take responsibility for your own quality of life!

 

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Divorce!

Shockingly my 78 year old husband, after 17 years together, has announced he wants us to lead separate lives.  I have decided that I will move out and divorce him because I do not want to spend whatever life I have left in a loveless marriage.

I am profoundly sad.  I also know that I still have the strength to survive as I am only 63 years old.  Between tears I have focused on doing all the practical things required:  finding somewhere else to live, packing up, finding suppliers for the new lifestyle, finding movers to take what furniture I still own.  I will be taking the rescued dog with me as I paid for him and he is registered in my name.  The 7 rescued cats are a bit more difficult!  He wants 2 of them, but I have decided to take them with me because I am the one who does the food and care-taking on a daily basis.

When my husband made his announcement he also said he did not want a divorce because of the money it would cost him.  I do not want more than I am legally entitled to and my lawyer does say we are considered a long-term marriage.  Thus a financial settlement is ahead.  My husband is in for a surprise.

I was a divorce mediator for over 5 years and have gone and photocopied as many of the financial and legal documents that I could find in his desk.  I am including this information here because it will really help to know what his assets are and what the account numbers are etc.  People are expected to make a declaration of assets, yet I have seen people (particularly wealthy men) try to hide what monies are around.  My advice to anyone in a similar position is that old saying ‘possession is 9/10ths of the law’.

I have started re-reading “The WHICH? Guide to Divorce” by Imogen Clout.  It is a very practical guide to the legal and financial arrangements and includes some further information about issues affecting children.  I would recommend not only reading this guide, but if you do have children, please take a look at my e-book “Parenting Your Way Through Divorce”.  You do need to put the needs of the children first.

Grief is shock, sadness, anger, and acceptance and it is not a linear progression.  You go in and out of the various stages.  Luckily as a Psychotherapist for over 20 years I do understand how to grieve well.  If you need more information do take a look at my e-book “Loss is Part of Life”.

I can see a new life opening up and will do my best to embrace whatever is ahead.

 

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Japan Today Article

Twitter has allowed me to ‘meet’ people all around the world including the Editor of Japan Today an English language newspaper in Japan.  What a stroke of luck!  He kindly allowed me to send him a press release and then printed it!  I feel very honoured and absolutely thrilled to know that people in Japan know about me and my self help ebooks.  How marvelous the internet is for all of us!  It’s life changing for me!

Here is what was printed in Japan Today:-

“New Help for those with nowhere else to turn…

Tokyo – Domestic violence, rape, bullying, depression and alcoholism are more common in relationships than we care to think.  They are all issues most women don’t ever dare speak about, even to their mothers or closest friends.  But the wall of silence often surrounding them means many people have nowhere to turn for help they desperately need. 

Psychotherapist and Author, Susan Jane Smith, recognizes this is a problem potentially facing Japanese society, among others.  Her self-help book, “Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth” offers practical, sensitive guidance on dealing with these taboo subjects and many forms of emotional pain. 

( It is now available in Japan for the first time via http://Amazon.jp./gp/product/B005FFTNEY)

Subtitled “The View from the Therapist’s Office”, the book also includes chapters on love, parenting through divorce, stress and bereavement.  Smith has over 20 years’ experience as a psychotherapist in the UK and the USA.  She has counselled thousands of women – and men – in ways of coping with all manner of emotional challenges, both within and outside marriage and relationships.

“Nothing shocks me,” she says.  “But I know how difficult it can be for people to speak openly about things like domestic violence or abuse, particularly in non-Western cultures.  My book is designed to help them confront and manage all sorts of types of emotional pain.  This pain needs healing before a person can have the emotional wealth required for a happier life, hence the title of my book.”

“If you feel you can’t speak to anyone about your emotional problems or you just want to better understand how to deal with them, then “Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth” will give you support and guidance.”

Smith’s other self-help book “Pre-Marital MOT: A Relationship Inspection” is also now available in Japan.  It is designed to enable betrothed couples to assess their relationship before the wedding and to highlight and hopefully address potential emotional problems.  As Smith states: “Marriage is so much more than just the ceremony.”

Pre-Marital MOT: A Relationship Inspection” can be downloaded from Amazon on http://amazon.jp/gp/product/B005LSD62A

 Personally, I am very grateful that Japan Today published this information so if you know anyone in Japan please share it with them. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Domination!

My Twitter followers number over 1800 now and many are following, I suspect, because I am open about being a survivor of incest, rape and domestic violence.  My childhood suffering has driven a need within me for knowledge and understanding.  I’ve read all the self help books I could and I re-trained to do counselling when in my thirties. I trained as a divorce mediator also.  I’ve spent over twenty years looking at other people’s lives as well as my own.  You can find out more about me in my Amazon Author Bio and on the About Me page of www.EmotionalHealthForEmotionalWealth.co.uk

One theme runs through a lot of my observations:  domination.  It does not need to be as severe as abuse.  It can be as subtle as not saying what you actually want.  It may be that one person in a relationship controls the money and, therefore, can chose where the couple live, what they eat, clothes they wear, and where they go.  This is an unbalanced relationship.  One person has more control than the other.

Negotiating a win win is the most equitable style of living togther so you both get some of what you each want. In a compromise, each person has to give up something to get to the middle, so negotiation is the best way forward.

When a persom is dominant it is being driven by fear and their inadequacies and an inability to cope. They usually have poor communication skills and those could be improved if the dominent person had the incentive to do that work.  In my opinion, counselling and personal growth is the only way forward.  Sadly for many who are dominent their very fears (particularly of change) keep them trapped and unable to seek help.  Frequently destroying a relationship – so sad.  Further, not a good example to any children of the relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

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Creating Healthy Emotions!

Did you know that this website (www.EmotionalHealthForEmotionalWealth.co.uk) has a sister site in the making?  We recently delivered our draft to the designer for www.HealthyEmotions.co.uk and it will launch within the next few weeks.  My business partner (Elaine Barnes) and I are very excited about this project.  We are intending to bring audio material to people with dyslexia and those people who have similar difficulties with reading.  The focus will be on emotional issues because that is where our expertise lies – we are both experienced Counsellors..

Thus, I have been reading the e-book Like A Virgin by Richard Branson to see if I can learn to think like an entrepreneur!  I admire not only his business expertise, but the fact that he thinks “outside the box”.  The more research I have done into dyslexia the more it appears that thinking differently to other people may well be a hallmark of someone using dyslexia to develop creative solutions.  Just because a person did not fit into the conventional educational system does in no way mean that they are stupid.  Being a square peg in the round hole of academia may be uncomfortable and alternative learning found.

Since Sir Richard Branson (founder of the Virgin Group of businesses) is one of the most successful entrepreneurs in the world, what he has to say about business struck me as appropriate learning for me.  My bachelor’s degree is in business management, but from 1985, so well out of date!  Tips that I have learnt from reading Like A Virgin:- take calculated risks, be willing to change your mind or direction if something isn’t working, focus on the future – don’t dwell on mistakes, bring talented people together, communication is key – listen to customers and staff.  Above all have fun!

There is a lot of other knowledge in Like A Virgin so I would thoroughly recommend you purchase a copy for yourself if you are in business.

Watch my blogs at www.Goodreads.com for more of my thoughts about what Healthy Emotions Ltd. can learn from Virgin!

Please contact us at Healthy Emotions if you are dyslexic or have a loved one who is dyslexic.  We would like to hear from you about your experiences.

Email:  Susan@HealthyEmotions.co.uk or Elaine@HealthyEmotions.co.uk

 

 

 

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Hypnotic Gastric Band

Paul McKenna has just brought out a new book with a CD and DVD.  I believe it is excellent and will revolutionise the world!  It’s for sale on Amazon ISBN 978-0-593-07074-1 for just over £8.  So much cheaper than surgery and pain free!

I was a Psychotherapist for over 20 years (see my training and experience on the About Me page).  Now I am a writer of self-help books – check out my Author Bio on Amazon (20 e-books and 3 paperbacks).  I have also struggled with my weight all my life.  I’ve been up and down and overweight for the last 30 years.

I have used Paul McKenna’s other work – especially to help me lose 2 stone recently.  Now I am delighted he has done this latest book.

At 61 years old and 5’3″ I weighed 16 stone 6 lbs and had type 2 diabetes.  Enough was enough and I knew I had to take responsibility for my body and my health.  It’s been a bumpy two years since then.  I managed to get myself off insulin (I had bad insulin resistance) and all diabetes medication by reading a book I found on the internet “Diabetes without Drugs” by a pharmacist, Suzy Cohen RPh.

When I was first diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and was told that it is a degenerative disease I lost the will to live.  I felt defeated.  The NHS unwittingly took away my hope.  The doctor and the diabetes nurse specialist didn’t do anything wrong – they were simply following the system and current thinking.

When I decided to change my life it was because of the internet.  On Twitter I kept glimpsing the idea that if you lost enough weight you could get rid of Type 2 diabetes.  I still don’t know if this is true or not but I decided it was worth a try.

Recently, if I understood him correctly, there is a surgeon on the TV programme “Weight Loss Ward” that believes the NHS could save millions of pounds (money & fat that is) by providing more weight loss surgery. It would reduce the drug bills.

I won’t have any proof that Paul McKenna’s hypnotic gastric band works until April when I am due for my  next set of blood tests and diabetic review.  I will blog again then with the results so watch this space!

I have decided to tell the British Prime Minister and the Health Secretary about the hypnotic gastric band now just in case they want to order some research on the subject.  I am not very hopeful.  I am also about to send out a  press release internationally just in case this could help obese people all over the world.  I have no financial connection to Paul McKenna – I just think he is on to something that could improve people’s quality of life.

What I can tell you so far from my personal experience is that my stomach simply does not want me to eat more than half a cup or 2 oz of nutritious food.  This is a massive change in my portion sizes so that alone would improve my weight over time.

If you cannot believe it could work please do some independent research for yourself into hypnosis and trance logic and at least read his book.

Paul McKenna worked with Dr Mark Cohen an Endocrinologist who specialises in treating obesity.  I am willing to bet that the system they have come up with is revolutionary so why not give it a try if you are overweight?  What have you got to lose?

 

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The Trouble with Porn – India, Rape & the Police.

Pornography allows men to think of a woman’s body as just an object.  If they look at porn enough it is easy to forget that the person in front of them during sex is a human being with feelings.  The rape levels in India are not helped by the level of pornography and pornographic ‘jokes’ which obviously are not funny.

When there is a patriarchal culture there is an erroneous belief that men are superior and thus women inferior.  This further enhances an inadequate man’s belief that he can behave however he wishes, especially sexually…sexual harassment, domestic violence, rape.

Attitudes need to change for India to be accepted into the international community of our modern high tech world.  People know very quickly about behaviour in all countries now that the internet connects us.

The USA did a wonderful job (decades ago) of educating it’s police force by using rape crisis groups to teach them about what is acceptable and what is not.  Now it is time for India and other countries to force their police to think through their behaviour and take complaints seriously.  Laws alone won’t do the necessary – if the police ignore complaints people won’t complain.  That is what I understand is happening in India.  Where else?

What is your police force’s rape protocol?  Do you know?  Maybe it is time you asked!

Please see what I have to say about rapists and marital rape in particular in my Amazon Self Help E-book:-

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Coronation Street Domestic Violence

English TV has a soap opera called “Coronation Street”.  It’s one that I have watched for years and was initially pleased that they started displaying a domestic violence scenario.  I initially thought the writers were being clever showing domestic violence from a woman to a man as a way of bringing the information home to people more effectively.

It wasn’t until last night that I realised that they were intending to demonstrate female to male domestic abuse.  Whilst this does occur it is a small percentage of domestic violence cases.  Frequently the abuse a man can inflict is also greater than a woman can do as harm to a man.

Year’s ago I ran a rape and domestic violence crisis centre and yes, men do get raped and they do get abused by women.  In my opinion and experience that is not the majority of cases and thus I am concerned that the Coronation Street show is creating an inappropriate illusion in the minds of the viewing public.  What do you think?

See my self-help e-book to see more about what I think!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B009T5BDAI

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Profile Update! Social Media Takes Time!
Author

Well, I have had a busy few days updating my profile on www.Goodreads.com, www.facebook.com/EmotionalHealthForEmotionalWealth.co.uk, Linked In, and have still to do Google + and Twitter!  I have also got my website designers to update my website so take a look at the store page in a couple of days – it should show 23 books for sale by Christmas!

Updating my biography has taken the longest and I am publishing the updated version here too just in case you want to know more about me!

I have been motivated by authors like Louise Hay, Susan Jeffers, Susan Forward, Rhonda Byrne, and Paul McKenna.  Now it is my chance to inspire positive change in other people.  I turned to books to learn about how to heal and create a happier life.  As a survivor of incest, rape, domestic violence and the miscarriage of my baby, I went against my family norm and undertook counselling to sort out my feelings.  I turned my life around and hope that you will be able to gain some insight and support from my self-help e-books.

After a career in admin I gained a Bachelor of Science degree in Business Management in my thirties.  I then re-trained because I felt that there had to be more to life than pushing paper around!

I was a Psychotherapist in private practice from 1987 until 2009.  I was born in New Hampshire, U.S.A. and because of my English Mother, I grew up in Lydney, Gloucestershire, England.  I returned to this area and live with the tranquillity of the beautiful Forest of Dean.

Previously, I had a successful counselling practice in Milton Keynes, Buckinghamshire, England for 17 years.  My professional education comes mainly from the U.S.A. where I was awarded a degree in Business Management and went on to study for a master’s degree in community psychology.  My Father died and I returned to England with my Mother.

I was also a Divorce Mediator for five years with the Family Mediators Association and a Professional Practice Consultant for the U.K. College of Family Mediation.  I bring that broad range of experience to my books “Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth” and “Pre-Marital MOT: A Relationship Inspection”.  See the About Me page of my website: www.EmotionalHealthForEmotionalWealth.co.uk for more information about my training and experience.  Both of these books are currently available in paperback from my website or via the book stores.  Both are Kindle e-books, available on my website also, and are e-pub available for other e-book readers via the major retailer’s on-line book stores in the U.K. and the U.S.A.

My latest book “Hugs & Emotional Wealth Change the World” is about how people can be kinder to each other using hugs and take personal responsibility for their quality of emotional wealth by understanding themselves better.  Thus the individual’s efforts will change the world as more people take care of themselves and thus others and the world in general.  Please do take a look at this book for all our sakes and especially for those of your children and grandchildren.

My Little Book Series of Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth are re-packaged sections from the original book formulated as e-books.  They allow people to purchase information about specific topics and see what I have to say about them!  Amazon now offers:

Sexual Abuse & Incest

Physical & Emotional Abuse Hurts the World as Well as The Child

Rape – Not Sexual Assault

Charming Men and Chauvinists

What Passes for Passion on TV

Walking on Egg Shells

Worry Doesn’t Fix Anything

My Drinking Isn’t a problem!

Feeling Down?

Parenting Your Way Through Divorce

Food and Thought

Superwoman Does Not Exist

Loss is Part of Life

Why Walk Into A Therapists’ Office?  (Journey, Benefits and When Therapy Won’t Work)

What Every 16 Year Old Needs to Know about Love

How a Functional Family Might Look

How Not to be a Doormat

I would like people to stop and think about their relationships and would love people to feel empowered to create an emotionally wealthy world!

 

 

 

 

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Women Be Warned – Charming Men Can Have a Dark Side

A man who makes a woman feel great about herself is very seductive.  It feels wonderful to be that woman.  The trouble is that somewhere down the road you will realise that your self esteem was poor in the first place since you needed that man to make you feel good about yourself.  Then if he takes that away you can plummet to the depths of despair if you are not careful.  Ever been in this situation?  I certainly have, repeatedly, until I figured it out!

When a woman’s self esteem is good she has a solid sense of who she is and what she wants from life.  She no longer has to accept what other people give her.  That is the best place to be and if you are not there do go to counselling until you get to that good place please.

The connection for me between a charming man and a chauvinist is control issues.  What a charming man does is use that charm to get all that he wants and when he does not get his own way you may find that he quickly becomes Mr. Nasty and spite-full.  That is because his self esteem is poor and underneath the facade he feels inadequate and probably is emotionally inadequate.

A chauvinist is also into control because he believes men are superior and thus should be in control.  Obviously, since I believe women are equal and different I cannot agree that we should be in a one-down position.

Want to know more about what I think about living with a controlling man or in a domestic violence situation?  Read my latest Kindle e-book “Charming Men and Chavuinists” £1 from Amazon or go to the store page of this website: 

www.EmotionalHealthForEmotionalWealth.co.uk

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