A Very Modern Divorce Via Facebook & Email!

 

“How Not To Be A Doormat” is the title of one of my 20 self help e-books so I have had to take my own advice!

My previous blog about my divorce was written when I was feeling very sad and grieving for the 17 years spent with my husband.  Now I am feeling much more assertive.

I have finally gotten my head around that fact that he has vascular dementia due to strokes and that the man I married has already gone.  He looks like my husband but his mind is not totally how it was as each mini stroke has killed off more of his brain cells.  Nevertheless I must get through a divorce and move on to create a new life for myself.

The funny thing is that last week, after writing my blog, I tweeted about it and posted it to Google Plus and Stumbleupon etc and also clicked the Facebook link.  Oops!  I almost notified my husband and his friends and family that the divorce papers were on the way!  You may not think it funny – I am still chuckling at how easy it is to simply push a social media button and information escapes without time for thought!  A friend helped me find how to ‘hide’ it then.  I may well announce it on Facebook this week – intentionally.

Since it appears to make a more peaceful co-existence, my husband and I are not really talking to each other.  Thus, this morning I decided to start negotiating our financial settlement via email.  A very modern tool.  I quite liked the experience as it gave me time to write and amend as much as I wanted so I said exactly what I wanted to say in the most assertive language I could muster.  I also sent a copy to my solicitor and girlfriends so that they can see my self esteem has improved.

My initial reaction to the concept of a divorce was to want to run away to somewhere safe so that I could heal my wounds.  I packed up all my belongings and moved some of them into storage.  I checked out the private rental market and the reality is that with 7 rescued cats and a rescue dog it is virtually impossible to get a landlord to rent to me.  My registration for social housing – I qualify for an old person’s bungalow – may take a very long time to get to being offered to me so I hunkered down in my bedroom.

Today the worm has turned.  I have done nothing wrong and I am not being dumped after 17 years to be pushed aside with nothing but my clothes and a few bits of furniture.  I read in my Which Guide to Divorce that it might be possible for the court to order that I be allowed to stay in my home – the matrimonial house – and that my husband moves out.  I so hope this can happen!  Why should I skulk away with virtually nothing?  I have had my matrimonial rights registered against the property with the Land Registry so that my husband cannot sell nor do equity release without my consent. 

Why am I sharing all this with you?  I thought it might be useful to someone else in a divorce situation and so that my readers can see that I truly believe in every word I have written.  Do take a look at my Amazon Author Bio and the About Me page on my website http://EmotionalHealthForEmotionalWealth.co.uk

Take care of yourself and take responsibility for your own quality of life!

 

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Divorce!

Shockingly my 78 year old husband, after 17 years together, has announced he wants us to lead separate lives.  I have decided that I will move out and divorce him because I do not want to spend whatever life I have left in a loveless marriage.

I am profoundly sad.  I also know that I still have the strength to survive as I am only 63 years old.  Between tears I have focused on doing all the practical things required:  finding somewhere else to live, packing up, finding suppliers for the new lifestyle, finding movers to take what furniture I still own.  I will be taking the rescued dog with me as I paid for him and he is registered in my name.  The 7 rescued cats are a bit more difficult!  He wants 2 of them, but I have decided to take them with me because I am the one who does the food and care-taking on a daily basis.

When my husband made his announcement he also said he did not want a divorce because of the money it would cost him.  I do not want more than I am legally entitled to and my lawyer does say we are considered a long-term marriage.  Thus a financial settlement is ahead.  My husband is in for a surprise.

I was a divorce mediator for over 5 years and have gone and photocopied as many of the financial and legal documents that I could find in his desk.  I am including this information here because it will really help to know what his assets are and what the account numbers are etc.  People are expected to make a declaration of assets, yet I have seen people (particularly wealthy men) try to hide what monies are around.  My advice to anyone in a similar position is that old saying ‘possession is 9/10ths of the law’.

I have started re-reading “The WHICH? Guide to Divorce” by Imogen Clout.  It is a very practical guide to the legal and financial arrangements and includes some further information about issues affecting children.  I would recommend not only reading this guide, but if you do have children, please take a look at my e-book “Parenting Your Way Through Divorce”.  You do need to put the needs of the children first.

Grief is shock, sadness, anger, and acceptance and it is not a linear progression.  You go in and out of the various stages.  Luckily as a Psychotherapist for over 20 years I do understand how to grieve well.  If you need more information do take a look at my e-book “Loss is Part of Life”.

I can see a new life opening up and will do my best to embrace whatever is ahead.

 

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Japan Today Article

Twitter has allowed me to ‘meet’ people all around the world including the Editor of Japan Today an English language newspaper in Japan.  What a stroke of luck!  He kindly allowed me to send him a press release and then printed it!  I feel very honoured and absolutely thrilled to know that people in Japan know about me and my self help ebooks.  How marvelous the internet is for all of us!  It’s life changing for me!

Here is what was printed in Japan Today:-

“New Help for those with nowhere else to turn…

Tokyo – Domestic violence, rape, bullying, depression and alcoholism are more common in relationships than we care to think.  They are all issues most women don’t ever dare speak about, even to their mothers or closest friends.  But the wall of silence often surrounding them means many people have nowhere to turn for help they desperately need. 

Psychotherapist and Author, Susan Jane Smith, recognizes this is a problem potentially facing Japanese society, among others.  Her self-help book, “Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth” offers practical, sensitive guidance on dealing with these taboo subjects and many forms of emotional pain. 

( It is now available in Japan for the first time via http://Amazon.jp./gp/product/B005FFTNEY)

Subtitled “The View from the Therapist’s Office”, the book also includes chapters on love, parenting through divorce, stress and bereavement.  Smith has over 20 years’ experience as a psychotherapist in the UK and the USA.  She has counselled thousands of women – and men – in ways of coping with all manner of emotional challenges, both within and outside marriage and relationships.

“Nothing shocks me,” she says.  “But I know how difficult it can be for people to speak openly about things like domestic violence or abuse, particularly in non-Western cultures.  My book is designed to help them confront and manage all sorts of types of emotional pain.  This pain needs healing before a person can have the emotional wealth required for a happier life, hence the title of my book.”

“If you feel you can’t speak to anyone about your emotional problems or you just want to better understand how to deal with them, then “Emotional Health for Emotional Wealth” will give you support and guidance.”

Smith’s other self-help book “Pre-Marital MOT: A Relationship Inspection” is also now available in Japan.  It is designed to enable betrothed couples to assess their relationship before the wedding and to highlight and hopefully address potential emotional problems.  As Smith states: “Marriage is so much more than just the ceremony.”

Pre-Marital MOT: A Relationship Inspection” can be downloaded from Amazon on http://amazon.jp/gp/product/B005LSD62A

 Personally, I am very grateful that Japan Today published this information so if you know anyone in Japan please share it with them. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Grab It Whilst You Can!

Way back in the 1960′s, when I was a teenager, I read a book about two lads having a great time with life and I believe that paperback was called “Grab It While You Can”.  The book has long since been lost or given away and the author’s name a mystery to me now.  Still the title stuck with me as a way of living your life.  Life seems to get shorter with age so I am firmly of the belief that you need to get on living your dreams or whatever life you want to create for yourself.

A couple of weeks ago I was traumatised when I went to see an elderly Aunt only to discover that she had fallen upstairs in her house and could not summon help.  I had to get the police to break a window and a lovely ambulance man dove through and let us in.  I had expected to find her dead, yet what we found was a crumpled heap -  cold but alive.  She had been in her very cold bedroom, on the floor in a nightie, for about 4 hours.  Still she was lucky and is now in hospital and recovering.  She looked so frail when I found her.

The trauma for me was that it re-created when I found my Mother dead.  In both instances my body’s reaction, as I called the emergency services, was to shake uncontrollably.  It has taken me all this time to be able to feel normal again.  My reactions are probably worse because I struggle with Post Traumatic Stress as a result of abuse in childhood. 

Nevertheless, it has been a good reminder that we all need to grab life NOW!  I have so much I want to do and time seems to be shortening.  When young you feel as if you have forever to accomplish your dreams.  Not so…get on with it.

Bereavement and ill health are forms of loss.  You can also experience loss and need to grieve when you lose a job, a pet, a friend, a relationship.  Learn to understand that the process of grief is, in simplistic terms: feelings of unreality (shock), sadness, anger (yes even if unreasonably at the person who has died and abandoned you) and acceptance. 

This is not a linear progression.  You can be sad one minute and angry the next.  The feelings can come at inappropriate times like whilst shopping.  The first year is the hardest and the second is slightly easier to bear when there is a serious loss.  If you feel stuck in grief do get some counselling to help you move on.  Whatever you have lost cannot be returned into your life by holding on to the pain of the loss.

Luckily in my thirties I experienced ten family deaths in six years.  A lot for any person.  I now consider it fortunate as I was forced to learn to cope through those losses.  My e-book Loss is Part of Life is available in this website’s book store or via Amazon worldwide.  It was written with the intention to help provide support and understanding.

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Domination!

My Twitter followers number over 1800 now and many are following, I suspect, because I am open about being a survivor of incest, rape and domestic violence.  My childhood suffering has driven a need within me for knowledge and understanding.  I’ve read all the self help books I could and I re-trained to do counselling when in my thirties. I trained as a divorce mediator also.  I’ve spent over twenty years looking at other people’s lives as well as my own.  You can find out more about me in my Amazon Author Bio and on the About Me page of www.EmotionalHealthForEmotionalWealth.co.uk

One theme runs through a lot of my observations:  domination.  It does not need to be as severe as abuse.  It can be as subtle as not saying what you actually want.  It may be that one person in a relationship controls the money and, therefore, can chose where the couple live, what they eat, clothes they wear, and where they go.  This is an unbalanced relationship.  One person has more control than the other.

Negotiating a win win is the most equitable style of living togther so you both get some of what you each want. In a compromise, each person has to give up something to get to the middle, so negotiation is the best way forward.

When a persom is dominant it is being driven by fear and their inadequacies and an inability to cope. They usually have poor communication skills and those could be improved if the dominent person had the incentive to do that work.  In my opinion, counselling and personal growth is the only way forward.  Sadly for many who are dominent their very fears (particularly of change) keep them trapped and unable to seek help.  Frequently destroying a relationship – so sad.  Further, not a good example to any children of the relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

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Creating Healthy Emotions!

Did you know that this website (www.EmotionalHealthForEmotionalWealth.co.uk) has a sister site in the making?  We recently delivered our draft to the designer for www.HealthyEmotions.co.uk and it will launch within the next few weeks.  My business partner (Elaine Barnes) and I are very excited about this project.  We are intending to bring audio material to people with dyslexia and those people who have similar difficulties with reading.  The focus will be on emotional issues because that is where our expertise lies – we are both experienced Counsellors..

Thus, I have been reading the e-book Like A Virgin by Richard Branson to see if I can learn to think like an entrepreneur!  I admire not only his business expertise, but the fact that he thinks “outside the box”.  The more research I have done into dyslexia the more it appears that thinking differently to other people may well be a hallmark of someone using dyslexia to develop creative solutions.  Just because a person did not fit into the conventional educational system does in no way mean that they are stupid.  Being a square peg in the round hole of academia may be uncomfortable and alternative learning found.

Since Sir Richard Branson (founder of the Virgin Group of businesses) is one of the most successful entrepreneurs in the world, what he has to say about business struck me as appropriate learning for me.  My bachelor’s degree is in business management, but from 1985, so well out of date!  Tips that I have learnt from reading Like A Virgin:- take calculated risks, be willing to change your mind or direction if something isn’t working, focus on the future – don’t dwell on mistakes, bring talented people together, communication is key – listen to customers and staff.  Above all have fun!

There is a lot of other knowledge in Like A Virgin so I would thoroughly recommend you purchase a copy for yourself if you are in business.

Watch my blogs at www.Goodreads.com for more of my thoughts about what Healthy Emotions Ltd. can learn from Virgin!

Please contact us at Healthy Emotions if you are dyslexic or have a loved one who is dyslexic.  We would like to hear from you about your experiences.

Email:  Susan@HealthyEmotions.co.uk or Elaine@HealthyEmotions.co.uk

 

 

 

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Will Divorce Mediation Work For You?

If you are separating or divorcing there are issues that you need to sort out like the division of your assets and the continued parenting of your children.

Self Help for a Parenting Plan

My self-help e-book “Parenting Your Way Through Divorce” can help you write a formal Parenting Plan.  Why bother?  Well,if you actually sit down and answer the questions and write up the answers it gives you a thought through approach and ideally you each do this and then discuss it together.  If you are not at the stage of being able to talk reasonably alone then mediation as part of the process may work for you.

Mediation is about meeting with an independent professional who is trained to facilitate the two of you negotiating an equitable settlement – financially and over the access and care of the children.

In an ideal world the parents put the needs of the children first.  If there is emotional immaturity or bitterness or depression on either side this may not be possible without intervention by an outsider.  Frequently people are hurt by the other person and can want revenge or simply want to not speak to that person ever again. This is where the solicitor becomes useful as it is a matter of trying to reach an agreement that the court will accept…preferably before you get before a judge.

When getting married people tend not to think of it as a legal process – it is romantic and can be religious.  It is a legal contract which is why you need legal advice about your rights and responsibilities when you want to leave a marriage.  You cannot simply walk away.

If there is a power imbalance as in domestic violence or emotional abuse, you may find that mediation is not appropriate.  See my blog about that at www.Goodreads.com

 

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Are You ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic)?

Did you have a parent or carer who was drinking excessively? One of the sad aspects of alcoholism is that it affects the children of that person’s family.  Alcoholism does create a dysfunctional family – it does not work the way a healthy family system supports and gives nurturing to each member.

There can be four ways that children are affected that have been generally agreed (originally in the USA I believe).  The successful high achiever who has low self-esteem underneath that achievement.  They are frequently the only child or  the oldest child of a family.  Because they may be the hero of the family and look like they are ok the family ignores their needs and they can become parentified – taking care of the adults and other children.

In a multi-child family you can find the clown – making people laugh to overcome their internal fears because they cannot actually handle the stress.  Humour masks the child’s pain and anxiety.  The humour relieves family tensions.  The jollity creates the illusion that the child is not in need of care and support.

It is possible for a child to be a loner and withdraw into invisibility as a way of trying to survive.  They may be seen as the ‘angel’ who does not cause the family trouble.  This child may feel lost.

The family may use a child as a scapegoat – he or she may be the rebellious one and thus everyone gets to be overly focused on their troublemaking rather than deal with the real problem which is the drinker’s drinking.

Unpredictability and consistent inconsistency can be a hallmark of alcohol abuse in a family and extremely difficult to live with.  The child/children of the family are only ‘allowed’ to feel what the alcoholic finds acceptable and thus they can lose touch with their own perceptions of reality.

If you grew up in a family where there was too much drinking please read my e-book “My Drinking Isn’t A Problem!” available on Amazon or via my website shop.  Also, see my blog at http://www.Goodreads.com

 

 

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Hypnotic Gastric Band

Paul McKenna has just brought out a new book with a CD and DVD.  I believe it is excellent and will revolutionise the world!  It’s for sale on Amazon ISBN 978-0-593-07074-1 for just over £8.  So much cheaper than surgery and pain free!

I was a Psychotherapist for over 20 years (see my training and experience on the About Me page).  Now I am a writer of self-help books – check out my Author Bio on Amazon (20 e-books and 3 paperbacks).  I have also struggled with my weight all my life.  I’ve been up and down and overweight for the last 30 years.

I have used Paul McKenna’s other work – especially to help me lose 2 stone recently.  Now I am delighted he has done this latest book.

At 61 years old and 5’3″ I weighed 16 stone 6 lbs and had type 2 diabetes.  Enough was enough and I knew I had to take responsibility for my body and my health.  It’s been a bumpy two years since then.  I managed to get myself off insulin (I had bad insulin resistance) and all diabetes medication by reading a book I found on the internet “Diabetes without Drugs” by a pharmacist, Suzy Cohen RPh.

When I was first diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and was told that it is a degenerative disease I lost the will to live.  I felt defeated.  The NHS unwittingly took away my hope.  The doctor and the diabetes nurse specialist didn’t do anything wrong – they were simply following the system and current thinking.

When I decided to change my life it was because of the internet.  On Twitter I kept glimpsing the idea that if you lost enough weight you could get rid of Type 2 diabetes.  I still don’t know if this is true or not but I decided it was worth a try.

Recently, if I understood him correctly, there is a surgeon on the TV programme “Weight Loss Ward” that believes the NHS could save millions of pounds (money & fat that is) by providing more weight loss surgery. It would reduce the drug bills.

I won’t have any proof that Paul McKenna’s hypnotic gastric band works until April when I am due for my  next set of blood tests and diabetic review.  I will blog again then with the results so watch this space!

I have decided to tell the British Prime Minister and the Health Secretary about the hypnotic gastric band now just in case they want to order some research on the subject.  I am not very hopeful.  I am also about to send out a  press release internationally just in case this could help obese people all over the world.  I have no financial connection to Paul McKenna – I just think he is on to something that could improve people’s quality of life.

What I can tell you so far from my personal experience is that my stomach simply does not want me to eat more than half a cup or 2 oz of nutritious food.  This is a massive change in my portion sizes so that alone would improve my weight over time.

If you cannot believe it could work please do some independent research for yourself into hypnosis and trance logic and at least read his book.

Paul McKenna worked with Dr Mark Cohen an Endocrinologist who specialises in treating obesity.  I am willing to bet that the system they have come up with is revolutionary so why not give it a try if you are overweight?  What have you got to lose?

 

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They Wear Western Style Lounge Suits!

This picture shocked and disgusted me.  I came across it by accident in the comments on the Facebook page for Southall Black Sisters.  Please take a look for yourself to see what the person said about the Military acting with impunity in India.  I find this barbaric.

I was on that Facebook page to find out about the demonstration outside the Indian High Commission in London which does not seem to be reported by the UK press (7th January 2013).

I went on to try to email the Indian Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, with this photo but the form would not go through.  I sent the photo to the Indian High Commissioner in London so if you think you could say something about your feelings about rape and the photo above, his email address is:  hc.office@hcilondon.in  The High Commissioner is Dr. J. Bhagwati.

I sent the photo to Mr Hague the Foreign Secretary for the UK.  Filled in the form for the Prime Minister to know about this too.  Mr Hague can be contacted by emailing: haguew@parliamentuk

I also sent the photo to the world press including the BBC, ITV, Sky News and Reuters.  I a wrote to Janet Street-Porter because she is a journalist/presenter that I admire.  The photo also went to a woman’s magazine in India -Feminina.  Further to ‘Loose Women’ an English tv programme.

I will be tweeting about this blog – will you?

What can you do? Apathy is not an option because this is an international issue for women.  It is not acceptable to just close your eyes and say I cannot make a difference – you can.  Also don’t think that this is just a problem in underdeveloped countries…horrific abuse happens to women in the UK and the USA and Europe.

Rape is a crime of violence not sex.  It is perpetrated by inadequate men who think it will make them feel better through the illusion of power, control, domination and humiliation. Not all men rape.  Some men get raped.  This is an issue for all civilized societies.

Today a friend wrote to me eloquently about this and I repeat it here with her permission:

“Because countries like India are making great strides economically and because many of their educated classes speak excellent English, we tend to lose sight of the fact that the country is light years behind The West culturally and sociologically.  This also applies to most countries in the Middle East [and I would suspect Africa, China and Russia].  The fact that their men wear smart western-style lounge suits does not make them civilised by our standards.

Globalisation has brought such matters to the fore, but I think we are deluding ourselves if we think things will change [and I would add - without media pressure].

So-called multi-culturalism in the UK is turning the clock back here as far as women are concerned.  The UK government should do more to stop arranged marriages, ‘honour’ killings, and other barbaric practices that continue in a country where women have equality by law.  The government is far too lenient and certainly should not bow to the Muslim lobby that wants Sharia law to prevail over British law in certain circumstances.

Comments please?

WHY ISN’T EVERY WOMAN IN THE WORLD SHOUTING THAT RAPE MUST STOP?  WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO TELL YOUR LAW MAKERS?

 

 

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